A Message To Non-Sports Fans | Rhett Rant

( music playing )Hey, got something
I wanna talk about. I’m a sports fan. I like to watch sports. I used to play sports, but mostly I just stick
to watching sports now because it’s safer. And there are times that
I choose to talk about sports. I notice that there are
two distinct responses when I choose to talk
to somebody about sports. Response A,
the person I’m talking to chooses to also talk
about sports, and before you know it,
we’re having a conversation
about sports. Response B,
the person says something like, “Yeah, I’m not really
into sports.” There’s also a version of this
that happens when I choose
to talk about sports
on the Internet. Here’s how it goes.
I tweet about sports. Inevitably somebody responds
with a snarky reply, “Sports!” And sometimes I go further and respond with an even more
mocking phrase, “Go sports!” ( mock laughter ) That’s real funny. I don’t have a problem
with non-sports fans. If somebody says they’re not
a sports fan, I just move on to talk
about religion or politics. But there’s something that
I just can’t help but notice in the responses
of non-sports fans to sports talk. They think they’re better
than us. They think they’re
more evolved than us. They think they’ve elevated
themselves above the cheap thrills of watching sweaty dudes
fight over a ball. You can see it in their eyes. They’re saying, “That game
you care so much about? It doesn’t matter.” It does matter! But let’s get
a few things straight. I’m well aware that
my uncontrolled outbursts directed towards the television have no impact on the teams playing on said television. I know they can’t hear me. I mean, I don’t think
they can hear me. I think the ref
might be able to hear me. I know it seems
completely irrational to let the outcome of an event that I have no control over completely make or break my day. And I know it doesn’t make me
a better person than the fan of another team where my team beats
their team. I mean, it makes me
a little better. Especially if they’re
a fan of UNC. Those people are evil. I know that my love of sports is just fulfilling
some primal desire to see my tribe
beat the other tribe. And this is probably due
to the fact that at some point
in the distant past my ancestors rooted
for their tribe to murder another tribe. And this served
to propagate their genes into the next generation as some sort of group-selection
evolutionary thing. And I know it doesn’t really
make sense anymore because none of the players
on the teams that I like are carrying my genes. At least I don’t think
they are. Somebody call “Mar-rey”! Murray!
Or is it Maury? Probably responds to both. What I’m saying is, I know that being a sports fan doesn’t exactly make sense. It may be primal,
maybe even a little barbaric. It may cause me to distrust
an entire group of people just because they choose
to root for a particular team. ( coughing )
Patriots. It may cause me to feel anguish that is totally unnecessary
when my team loses. But you know what?
I don’t care because it gives me something
to text my dad about. So to you non-sports fans who love to look down
from your ivory towers at us simpletons
who love to watch people who are significantly
more athletic than us exert themself while we lie horizontally
on a couch filling our already
past-our-prime bodies with assorted combinations
of saturated fats and sugars? To you I say, “Go sports.” Link:Up next
we’ll be shouting out
our Oscar favorite
“Get Out.”
Oh, yeah, this sweatshirt
is fly as feathers.
Get yours now
at mythical.store.


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