Sports News Not Covered Anywhere Else (feat. Bob Menery) – Lights Out with David Spade

-Around the world with Lights Out Sports Update. Go! MENERY:
Bob Menery here. Welcome to the Lights Out
Sports Update, bringing you stunning examples
of athleticism from around the globe. We begin tonight in Tokyo,
a city still healing after getting its shit
kicked in by goddamn Godzilla. The competitive eating world
was rocked by this week’s 123rd annual
noodle sucking jamboree. Look at these winners
just power blasting through a metric (bleep) ton
of ramen. They’re really packing it in.
I mean, if you’re a starving kid
watching this, that’s got to be tough. I haven’t seen someone slurp this many noodles
in one sitting since my whore ex-wife
on our honeymoon. We go now to California in the pro-am
Hacky Sack circuit, a place with more dorks
per square inch than the Geek Squad. Well, this kid’s
putting out a display so graceful, so inspiring, the guy in the black T-shirt
can’t help but stare at his (bleep) phone
through the whole thing. He doesn’t keep a hot squirt
of piss about this bullshit his girlfriend’s kid
dragged him to. And look at that. Victory! This kid is truly
the greatest winner in a sport for losers. I hope this kid’s got rubbers, because he’s about to be
neck-deep in the poon lagoon. Now to… Jesus, what is that? Transylvania or something?
Who gives a (bleep). Let’s look at some morons
with swords. En garde! It’s time
for the Renaissance jamboree. Here’s a bunch of ding-dongs
working on overtime to protect their virginity. It’s these guys’ first time
using wood on something besides an anime body pillow. Don’t be fooled by the weapons
and skills on display, Spade. I’m confident these dudes
are a bunch of (bleep) pussies who would run for the hills
if real shit ever hit the fan. Next up, India,
Olympic gold medalists in giving people diarrhea
for 4,000 consecutive years. Now, we have a game of what the rest of the world
calls football and we here in America call
“change the (bleep) channel.” Apparently, they went
to the (bleep) literal bullpen. Jesus H. Buttholes.
What happened? This bull being
surprisingly calm, while these little shitlords
play keep-away -with a monster the size
of a goddamn Camaro. -(moo) -(horn honking) -The referee
is passing by on a motorcycle, since the game is apparently
being played on Fury Road. This looks like a remake
of Air Bud from a country that hasn’t
invented electricity yet. And, finally,
the beaches of Hawaii. Let’s watch a swarm of morons
say aloha to the wonderful world
of drowning. It’s the World Surfing
Championships, held this year
on scenic Dumb (bleep) Island. Here goes Chad
getting cut off by Chad. Oh, down goes Chad! And these Chads are dropping
like goddamn flies. Just a true spectacle
of mediocrity. That’s gonna wrap it up for tonight’s
Lights Out Sports Update. Back to you in the studio,


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