The Mad Scientist Ruins Sports


[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING] [EVIL LAUGHTER] >>IGOR, COME HERE.>>NO MASTER. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEWEST EVIL
CREATION! OKAY?>>RELAX IGOR. I MERELY IMPROVING AN OLD INVENTION; SPORTS.>>OH, THOSE ARE ACTUALLY GOOD.>>I’M MAKING THEM EVIL.>>OKAY. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE SPORTS EVIL?>>I STARTED BY CREATING A REFEREE.>>OKAY, I GET IT.>>NOW, HE WAS KIND OF TRICKY. HIS JOB IS TO RIG EVERY GAME AGAINST BOTH
TEAMS.>>WELL THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!>>YES, BUT HE DOES IT. I GAVE HIM THE EYESIGHT OF A MOLE AND THE
JUDGMENT SKILLS OF U.S. CONGRESS.>>BUT HE’LL NEVER REMEMBER THE RULES.>>WHY WOULD I TEACH HIM THE RULES? OH HE’S GOING THE WRONG WAY, BLESS HIS HEART.>>SAD.>>THIS ONE IS CALLED A FAN. NOW, HE SUFFERS FROM TWO GREAT DELUSIONS. FIRST THAT HIS TEAM WILL DO REALLY WELL THIS YEAR AND SECOND, THAT NO MATTER WHERE HE IS IN THE STADIUM THE REF CAN HEAR HIM.>>OH. HE’S GOING TO BE SUPER ANNOYING.>>DON’T WORRY I GAVE HIM A FOGHORN. [FOGHORN]>>OKAY.>>AND THE BEST PART HE IS HE IS SO OBSESSED
WITH SPORTS THAT HE’S NOT SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH HIS
GIRLFRIEND. THEY’RE GOING TO END UP LIKE MALONE AND STOCKTON. LOTS OF CHEMISTRY, BUT STILL NO RING. [EVIL LAUGHTER]>>THAT WAS REALLY MEAN.>>YOU’RE RIGHT, TOO FAR. YES, BUT I’M JUST GETTING STARTED. IF HE EVER DOES GET MARRIED HE’LL SUFFER EVEN
MORE ONCE HIS KIDS ARE IN LITTLE LEAGUE. ON THE ONE HAND LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES ARE SUPER
BORING, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND THEY TAKE UP HIS WHOLE
SATURDAY. [EVIL LAUGHTER]>>WHY ARE BOTH YOUR HANDS ALWAYS EVIL?>>OH, NOT AS EVIL AS WHAT I HAVE IN STORE
FOR ATHLETES. FOR THEM I’VE INVENTED ALL KINDS OF SPORTS. EACH DEPRESSING IN ITS OWN WAY. FOR EXAMPLE WE HAVE TACKLING SPORTS, AND BODY CHECKING SPORTS, AND OH FAKE SPORTS.>>WELL, AT LEAST SPORTS ARE EXCITING. IT’S– OH TOUCHÉ.>>YES. [EVIL LAUGHTER] AND THINGS ARE EVEN WORSE FOR OLYMPIC ATHLETES. OH YES.>>WELL NO. PEOPLE LOVE OLYMPIANS.>>DO THEY IGOR? DO THEY?>>YES.>>BEING AN OLYMPIAN IS LIKE LIVING IN IOWA
OR NEW HAMPSHIRE. EVERY FOUR YEARS YOU GET ATTENTION AND THE REST OF THE TIME NOBODY CARES.>>NO. NO, SPORTS ARE INSPIRATIONAL.>>NO, SPORTS ARE CONFUSING OR AT LEAST THEY
WILL BE ONCE MY FILMMAKERS ARE DONE WITH THEM.>>WHAT?>>SPORTS AND FILM SHOULD NEVER MAKE SENSE. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK SIX PEOPLE CHASE THE
QUAFFLE WHEN THE SNITCH WINS EVERY GAME? OR WHY NOTRE DAME PUT A HOBBIT AT DEFENSIVE
END? AND DO PEOPLE REALLY BELIEVE THAT THE 1980
U.S. OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM BEAT THE SOVIETS?>>THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.>>OH REALLY? KUDOS TO THEM.>>EVEN SO, YOU ARE DESTROYING SPORTS!>>YES IGOR, GET READY FOR A WORLD OF EAR BITING BOXERS, CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE MASCOTS, AND A WORLD SERIES WITHOUT THE PART OF THE WORLD THAT’S GOOD AT BASEBALL! [EVIL LAUGHTER] SOON ALL MANKIND WILL SUFFER.>>NO! NO! NO, NOT THE SCRAWNY NON-ATHLETIC PEOPLE. YOU’LL NEVER SUCK THEM INTO SPORTS. WON’T I?>>WON’T I?

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