Trump’s Golf Club Employees Spill The Beans On Their Boss


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS FRIDAY, NOTHING LIKE FRIDAY. AND WITH THE HOLIDAYS AROUND
THE CORNER, IT’S BEEN A BUSY WEEK FOR THE UN-JOLLY MAN IN THE
BIG RED HAT. I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT’S LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF “DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>LET’S GET SOME HELP FROM
UKRAINE.>>Stephen: SPEAKER PELOSI HAS
DIRECTED CONGRESS TO START WRITING UP ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT. SO ANYONE INVOLVED IN TRUMP’S
QUID-PRO-QUO SCHEME WITH UKRAINE SHOULD BE JUST BE LAYING LOW AND
AVOIDING THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. SO, NATURALLY, RUDY GIULIANI IS
IN UKRAINE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT– THAT RIGHT THERE– THAT
RIGHT THERE!>>Jon: SMART THINKING.>>Stephen: THAT IS SOME SAVVY
LAWYERING. “YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT IS
INNOCENT. WHERE IS HE NOW? WELL, HE’S DANCING AROUND THE
CHALK BODY OUTLINE SINGING A LITTLE SONG ABOUT BEING THE
WORLD’S HAPPIEST STABBER.” RUDIY’S–
( LAUGHTER ) RUDY’S EUROPEAN TOUR HAS A
MISSION: HE’S IN BUDAPEST AND KIEV THIS WEEK TO TALK WITH
FORMER UKRAINIAN PROSECUTORS TO DEBUNK THE IMPEACHMENT CASE. RUDY’S BASICALLY A COLLEGE
STUDENT STUDYING ABROAD, EXCEPT SOMEHOW WITH MORE BINGE
DRINKING. BUT RUDY’S BEING VERY COY ABOUT
WHAT HE’S UP TO. IN AN INTERVIEW YESTERDAY, HE
WOULDN’T EVEN CONFIRM THAT HE WAS IN UKRAINE. BUT THEN HIS BRAIN HAD TO GO AND
RUDY THINGS UP.>>WHAT’S THE UKRAINE TRIP ALL
ABOUT?>>WELL, I CAN’T REALLY DESCRIBE
IT. I CAN’T EVEN CONFIRM IT.>>ARE YOU IN UKRAINE ALSO
GATHERING, YOU KNOW, EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT YOUR OWN DEFENSE?>>I AM NOT HERE TO– I DON’T
HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: GOOD SAVE! GOOD SAVE, RUDY! OH, I CAN’T– I CAN’T WAIT FOR
TO YOU DEFEND TRUMP AT THE SENATE TRIAL. ( AS JUDGE )
“MR. GIULIANI, WHEN DID YOUR THE PRESIDENT COMMIT BRIBERY?”
( AS RUDY ) “IT WAS ON FRI…ED EGGS
FRIED EGGS! HIS FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD TO
EAT WHEN NOT BEING GUILTY, WHICH IS ALWAYS? BUT RUDY’S NOT THE ONLY ONE
BLOWING RUDY’S COVER. THERE’S ALSO UKRAINIAN LAWMAKER
AND DIVORCED DAD WHO’S JUST GETTING INTO STANDUP, ANDREY
DERKOTCH. YESTERDAY, DERKOTCH WROTE THIS
FACEBOOK POST ABOUT RUDY’S SECRET TRIP. “RUDOLPH GIULIANI FLEW TO KIEV. WE IMMEDIATELY MET WITH HIM.” NOTHING RUDY DOES STAYS A
SECRET. IF HE WERE A NINJA, HE WOULD
JUST STAND OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR GOING, “OPEN UP! RUDY THE NINJA HERE TO
STEALTHILY KILL YOU! OW! I DROPPED MY THROWING STAR! OH BOY, IT WAS POISONED.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND, OF COURSE, DERKOTCH INCLUDED THIS SWEET PIC OF HIM
AND RUDY PROUDLY DISPLAYING A PIECE OF PAPER. ( AS DERKACH )
“HERE I AM HOLDING SIGNED CONTRACT PROMISING TO NEVER POST
ABOUT THIS MEETING ON SOCIAL MEDIA.” ( LAUGHTER )
“OKAY? WE GET PHOTO? THANK YOU, RUDY.” ( APPLAUSE )
AND, HEY, CHECK OUT THE PHONE IN RUDY’S POCKET. YOU THOUGHT HIS BUTT DIALS WERE
BAD. YOU SHOULD READ HIS NIPPLE
TWEETS. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU SHOULD READ HIS NIPPLE TWEETS. PING, PING. PING-PONG. WE TALK SO MUCH ABOUT TRUMP
BEING A BAD PRESIDENT, BUT IT’S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER HE’S ALSO
A BAD BOSS. BECAUSE A NEW “WASHINGTON POST”
ARTICLE GIVES US MORE DETAILS ON HOW TRUMP’S GOLF CLUB IN
BEDMINSTER EMPLOYED UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS. THAT’S RIGHT, TRUMP GETS
IMMIGRANTS TO DO THE JOBS AMERICANS DON’T WANT TO DO, LIKE
GARDENER OR FIRST LADY. FOR YEARS– FOR YEARS–
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUILD THE WALL. BUILD THE… FOR YEARS, THESE UNDOCUMENTED
WORKERS SERVED TRUMP’S MEALS, CLEANED HIS HOMES, AND
IRONED HIS BOXER SHORTS. THAT’S RIGHT: BOXERS. THE ONLY TIGHTY-WHITIE IN
TRUMP’S WHITE HOUSE IS MIKE PENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT– BUT– THANK YOU. MIKE PENCE FANS! MIKE PENCE FANS! BUT THEIR MOST IMPORTANT JOB OF
ALL? SETTING OUT TRUMP’S MAKEUP,
WHICH MEANS EVERY MORNING, THOSE WORKERS HAD TO ROLL IN A
WHEELBARROW AND A TROWEL. ( LAUGHTER )
5 IN FACT, TRUMP USED SO MUCH
BRONZER THAT HOUSEKEEPERS HAD TO REGULARLY BRING NEW SHIRTS FROM
THE PRO SHOP BECAUSE OF THE RUST-COLORED STAINS ON THE
COLLARS. AND THOSE WERE JUST HIS SHIRTS. CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS SHEETS? IT’S LIKE THE SHROUD OF TURIN
EVERY MORNING. IT’S A MIRACLE! ( APPLAUSE )
AND– SHROUD. TRUMP WAS WEIRDLY SPECIFIC WITH
SOME OF HIS DEMANDS WITH THE HELP. FOR EXAMPLE, HE WANTED IN HIS
BEDROOM BUREAU, AT ALL TIMES, TWO FULL CONTAINERS OF WHITE
TIC TACS AND ONE CONTAINER THAT WAS HALF FULL– OR AS HE
CALLED IT: ( AS TRUMP )
“I WANT TWO BOXES OF TIC TACS AND ONE BOX OF JUST TIC.” “CUT THE TACES.” WELL, NOW SOME OF THOSE WORKERS
HAVE GONE FROM SERVING THE TEA TO SPILLING IT. THEY TOLD A STORY ABOUT
MELANIA’S FATHER, VICTOR KNAUS, WHO ONE DAY WENT TO PLAY GOLF IN
ONE OF TRUMP’S DISCARDED RED HATS. THEY SAY THAT WHEN TRUMP SPOTTED
HIM ON THE FAIRWAY, HE BLEW UP, AND ORDERED HIS FATHER-IN-LAW,
IN FRONT OF OTHER GOLFERS, TO REMOVE THE HAT AND GET OFF THE
COURSE, BECAUSE “NOBODY COULD WEAR THE RED HAT BUT TRUMP.” HE’S LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL MEAN
GIRL. “OH, MY GOD, MEGAN. ARE YOU WEARING REAL RED CAPS
FOR REAL? THAT’S, LIKE, MY THING. STOP BITING MY STYLE. AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT
WEARING A SUIT THREE SIZES TOO BIG WITH A RED TIE DOWN TO YOUR
CROTCH.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
“YOUR CROTCH.”

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